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New Thoughts for a New Year

January 4, 2012

I’m back writing again. I’ve been away for a couple of weeks because I was doing some freelance work for a friend. I’m still waiting to get paid. She had me type information of contact information of various companies on an Excel spreadsheet from which she hopes to generate business. Good luck to her and as she makes money, I will make some money. Making money has never been easy for me. Interestingly, the only time making money came easy for me was back when I was 15. It was then I began cutting lawns for people in my neighborhood. I wound up cutting lawns for 3 or 4 homes in addition to cutting the grass at my uncle’s lumberyard. I didn’t have much of a concept of business back then. I would simply use dad’s lawnmower without paying for the gas or paying dad for the use of the lawnmower. That would have been a real business. I guess dad thought it was a good way for me to get out and to learn the concept of work. I took the job seriously, though. I kept my appointment for the various homes I was to cut grass each week. I took care that the yards were well manicured making sure I used an edger for the sides. I had thought at that time that I would become an entrepreneur. That was a concept that entertained my mind during my mid-teens, with the family being involved in a family business started by my uncle. The concept of building something from scratch and then feeding it with dedication and hard work was attractive to me. It was something I would have wanted to see materialize. Dad wasn’t a businessman, though. He was an artist and a creator. He did some impressive things in his adult life. He turned the basement of our first house into liveable rooms, one of which became my bedroom. He had also landscaped the entire yard. He was always maticulous in how he approached a project. He would plan out everything, learn everything he needed to know before hand, and he would see the project to a timely completion. It was always clear to me he knew exactly what he was doing. But we had gotten involved with the family business for all the wrong reasons and without having much control over its daily management. After only a couple of years, the business was on the decline.

To me, life is fastinating beyond limit. The world is a beautiful oasis, and we are given unique opportunities to share in its riches, to make of our lives what we can imagin. I have always believed this and I believe this now. I see lots of people taking advantage of these opportunities–young adults pursuing college educations, people traveling to distant lands for business or pleasure, young couple being together and starting a family, and others involved in personal hobbies. Then there are the other half that see life as a negative experience. They complain about how the system is failing us, or how the “rich” are getting everything they want and leaving nothing for the rest. They complain about the big corporations sucking the lifeblood out of the economy. Though my life has become a disappointment based on the many learning problems I’ve been given, I am still positive about life’s potentialities. The opportunities are always there. There may be some who want to rob us of our abilities to live our lives to the fullest, but I won’t let them control me yet. I will continue to follow my pursuits as I see fit.

There has been much I have wanted to pursue in my adult life. More than anything, I wanted to travel and to learn about different cultures. I never wanted to be rich, but I wanted to be able to do various things, like publish books or start a business or create something. These were all values that were influenced by my environment growing up. Then I reached my early adulthood, but I just couldn’t do anything. My family and I had moved to Southern California at that time. I still wanted to travel or to start a business or to do something constructive and creative. I was bearly able to finish high school. I still was unable to read very well. I didn’t have many friends, nor a relationship. I wound up seeking help at a nearby junior college. I took classes and got involved with programs that would help me to learn better. Nothing seemed to work. I kept failing classes and needed to retake them just to get a passing grade. The reading programs weren’t getting to the basis to my illiteracy. I knew it was there in my mind somewhere, but I wasn’t able to bring it to the surface. If I didn’t care about succeeding I would have been ok with everything. I did care, though. I wanted to live a health adult life, with a companion and a family. It was like these things were denied me. “This Jay guy is hearby denied any form of success!”

Now I am close to being 50, and I’m wondering what is left for me. I never was able to begin a career I’ve always wanted. I am very poor of financial means. I rent a bedroom and have the minimum to keep me stable I am able to collect unemployment and get some food stamps, though I’m not sure if they are going to replenish those this month. I need to fast for a couple of days because I only have very little to get food. I want to get used to going without food. The more I practice, the easier it gets. If I don’t fill my stomach in the morning, I don’t feel hungry for most of the day. I need to cut back on food anyway, so going without for a while is ok. I should have some money by the weekend. I really don’t know what I’m going to do about work. Even if I do work, I don’t make much money. I may as well write! This is when I feel the happiest. I wrote in my journal yesterday for the first time this year. I hadn’t written for a couple of weeks and it felt very nice. I love casually sitting in a coffee shop and pouring over my notepad. Writing with a notepad and a good pen is all I need to feel successful.

I suppose I will find some kind of work this year. I’m still waiting to make some money from some work I did for my friend. The idea is to remain hopeful that something good will find me. I put out a little activity and I wait to see what comes back. If nothing comes back, I just try something different. The meditation practice has helped ease the worry factor. I could be sitting here frantic as to what could happen. I could very well starve to death. That is a real possibity. If it happens, I will be ok with it. I know I would have done my best with the situation I’ve been given. I have Inattentive ADD which has made my life very difficult. I’ve learned not to worry about things I have little control over. If I am going to die no matter what I do, then that is the hand I’ve been given. I can’t say “No I don’t want to die. I want to live and travel and do lots of fun things.” Life tells me “You are going to die. Period.” If that is the final decision, I must accept it. I am not dying, though. I am very healthy and still have lots of energy in me. I have made it past my 50th year. God definitely wants me to hang around. I will continue to put my best foot forward.

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